hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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