tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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