i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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