my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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