I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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