Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
