What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize