He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
