I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
