It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize