wrigley field is MILF paradise
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
