U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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