I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
