last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
