she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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