I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
