The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
