I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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