Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
