Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
