he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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