Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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