Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
