she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
