you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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