My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
