Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize