i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
