she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
too bad you live with your parents still
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
