tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
