My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
