Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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