Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
