i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
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