i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
