I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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