I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
