New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
