also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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