I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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