The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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