I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
So much Jack, so little girl.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
