My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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