how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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