Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
