I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wish you could order shots online.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
It's shark week go big or go home
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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