I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
No subtext here. People are naked.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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