just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Randomize
