dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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