I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
