I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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