There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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