Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
