i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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