i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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