so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
