It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
