PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
