happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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